


Idioms

by back2the_ocean



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Typical Apocalypse, Canon-Typical Violence, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Gen, all the hargreeves are actually assholes, but like sibling assholes, where you still like them regardless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/back2the_ocean/pseuds/back2the_ocean
Summary: Diego misspeaks and his siblings are assholes.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Comments: 6
Kudos: 105





	Idioms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cbuugdrama9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cbuugdrama9/gifts), [ViridescentShade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViridescentShade/gifts).



> Inspired by the weird crackhead conversations me and my friends have on our ~wacky~ discord server and written in about an hour.
> 
> i don't even know
> 
> and thanks to 3ternalslumber and hargreeveklaus on tumblr as well

“What did you say?”

Diego looked up from his breakfast, confused over the sudden silence that came over the kitchen table. They had been having a conversation about what they were going to do with the house now that the monster was dead.

Klaus was campaigning to have Vanya blow the place up, this time with nobody actually in it. She was laughing at Klaus and his suggestion but Diego knew the look in her eyes and had resolved to keep a light watch on her — he was all for wrecking Dad's shit but he didn’t think they should allow Vanya to have all the fun.

Allison was for changing the place but she did think that they should keep the place in one piece — apparently, it was supposed to mean something that they all grew up here. Diego had mimed barfing as she was explaining her reasoning but had to agree with her about not destroying the house. This was the only place Mom knew and he didn’t want to take her away from it before she got to experience the outside world. He didn’t want to shock her than not have somewhere familiar she could retreat too.

Ben and Five were both silent. Diego thought it had less to do with the topic and more that they were still working on their first cups of coffee.

Luther was protesting the destruction of Academy property. It wasn’t as vehement as it would have been before the 2 apocalypses and Diego almost argued against him on principle but no. Team Zero even now.

Diego had responded to some comment absentmindedly but his reply had stopped everyone dead. They were all staring at him now.

“What?”

“You really hit them in the head with the nail?”

“What?” Diego was officially confused.

“That’s what you said. Hit them in the head with the nail,” Allison’s tone didn’t match the sisterly evil grin slowly growing on her face and Diego felt a bolt of panic rush through him. That sort of grin never meant good things for him in the past and he didn’t think they years in the ‘60s would have changed that at all.

“What of it?”

“Moron. That’s not how the sentence goes. Its ‘you hit the nail on the head,” Five had woken up enough to be as condescending as he ever was.

“Who cares?”

The cackle that Klaus let out and the matching grins on Allison and Vanya’s faces assured him that at least half of his siblings cared.

_Fuck_

* * *

In the coming days, Diego wanted to kill all of his siblings. _All of them_. They had taken to mocking him about his misspoken words.

He was finding nails all over the place. They frequently asked him ‘with the nail?’ regardless if it made sense. Klaus, Ben, and Luther all mimed protecting their heads whenever he came into sight.

One slip up and they all showed their true colors — assholes.

But Diego had a plan. And it was going to be good.

* * *

Everything was in place — he had gone to the hardware store earlier that week and had spent the rest of the week blunting the nails so they couldn’t do much harm when they were thrown. Diego knew his siblings and he knew that this was going to start something.

Now all he to do was wait. He was strategically placed on the upper level of the foyer. They had used some pretty heavy chemicals that morning in their attempt to reclaim the house and the smell caused them to abandon the house all day. He wasn’t sure where everyone had ended up but he knew that his sisters had taken Mom to get some new clothes.

However, he had made sure to be the first one back so he could get ready. And he was. He had a bucket of nails next to him and an optimal view of the front door. As soon as his siblings got home, they’d be getting a nail to the head. He’d make ‘hit them in the head with the nail’ a true statement if only to shut them up.

And to his luck, all 6 siblings tumbled through the door together. It only took him seconds to arm himself then he let them fly. Simultaneous exclamations of shock and pain erupted from them and Diego let loose his laughter.

“You know? I really think I hit you in the head with the nail this time.”

“Did you seriously just throw nail at us?”

“I’m going to kill you.”

“Diego…”

Five’s statement worried him slightly so he grabbed as many nails as he could before Five Jumped to his location, grabbed the bucket, and dumped it over his head.

It was a free for all after that, with anything small and not nailed down being thrown. Powers were being used as well — he was stopping anything that was coming his way, Vanya’s eyes were glowing as was Klaus’ fists, and even Ben was letting a small tentacle out to play.

Above it all, he cherished the sound of Mom’s laughter as she chastised them for making such a mess.

And it was worth it, cause he really hit them in the head with a nail.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me at my tumblr dcksdrgsdebutantes to talk and to see my character moodboards. also I have a tua discord - give me a shout if you'd like to join


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